I’ve been reading The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck over the last couple of months, sort of as a go to book when I have no fiction on hand (should I be embarrassed by this admission?).  The book came highly recommended years ago by one of two mentors in my life, which frankly was enough to convince me it’s worth a read.  And it is.   It’s actually been akin to my bible recently, helping me through a rather difficult blip in my marriage.

The beauty of The Road Less Traveled is that Scott Peck takes the human condition- all our anxieties, obsessive compulsive disorders, and general vices- and gives the reader one of Oprah’s famous “A-Ha” moments.   So what have I learnt?  Bottom line- the mental health of a child is a direct product of parental love.  As simple as this statement might sound, Mr. Peck is quick to point out there are a million and one ways in which parents can miss the mark.

The fact is I think I can safely assume that we all are plagued by some degree of mental illness which may or may not be devastating to our children in adulthood.   If I spend too much time analyzing my role as a parent I’ll just end up a victim of paralysis by analysis.

So what’s the answer?  I think I’ve figured it out.  In all you do in your role as a parent focus on getting this one thing right and your children should be okay: teach the importance of keeping an open mind.  By teaching open thoughts and contemplation you teach a person to value different points of view and basically give themselves permission to  change their values and beliefs.  If you can’t get anything else right, let openness be your only success.  You’ll give your child the power to heal himself from any damage you may have unwittingly caused…

My two year old son Jake had the misfortune of putting his hand on the still burning hot engine of the lawn mower my husband had just parked in the garage after two hours of use.  His thumb and index finger were also burnt.  The poor little guy was trying to get his ball out from under a stroller, using the mower as support.   I was 10 steps away with my daughter on the driveway, and my husband had just turned away to put his work gloves on the shelf.  I hate that “life” will happen to our children and we as parents may not always be able to cushion the blows, or protect them when they hurt.  Jake is a real trooper though.  He was in pain before the blister set in, but after that he went about his business, favoring his little hand, tucking it in safe against his belly.  Children are the essence of what it means to be resilient.

I’m finding it difficult these last few days to find the right balance between my duties and desires.  As a SAHM I’ve learnt over the past 3 years to put my needs aside for the benefit of my children and my husband.  I’ve struggled at times with the isolation of being a SAHM, and the jabs to my confidence having to rely on my husband for financial support.  The dual edge knife is knowing what I do at home is work.  My efforts contribute to the livelyhood of our family as much as the money my husband earns to pay the mortgage and the everpresent bills- but ever so often something happens, whether it’s a conversation, a comment, or just a look that passes between my husband and I to make me feel dependent.

If I spend too much time turning the word dependent over and over in my mind the germ can grow to a full out disease contaminating my every thought, perception, and interaction.  Which is why I need to talk my self out of the self pity and basically imagine the apology I think I deserve from my husband in order to let the feelings of resentment pass.  This may sound odd, particularly to women who have the best of both worlds (freedom of flexibility and income), but it’s been an inner battle of mine since my daughter was born.  I always knew I would stay home with my children for the first few years of their lives wanting to be the hands on mother I had growing up.  It was and is very important for me to be there for my children when they struggle with life’s little challenges, afterall it’s the reason I wanted children.  My husband and I have always been in agreement about the fundamentals of parenting and what type of foudnation we want to build our family on.  The porblems start when ordinary demands of life gets in the way.

The most difficult part of being a SAHM is managing the needs and expectations of a husband who often feels left out of the cirlcle.  I’m so blessed to experience the best and worst moments in my children’s lives and I never go a moment without being fully aware of it- so who can blame the father for feeling resentment towards missing those precious moments.  But isn’t that the deal when you decide as a couple to approach parenting in this way.   The opportunity cost I’ve accepted in return for being there for my kids 24 hours a day, and the awkwardness I will have to endure as I merge back into the workforce after a 3 year hiatus seems to be enough of a challenge without having to worry about my husbands hurt feelings. Why is it as women we often expose ourselves to being the answer to all family relations issues that arise.

I’m resentfull too sometimes.  I’m not at liberty to leave my work at the office, nor can I put my phone on the do not disturb setting.  I answer all calls, and take all messages.  I set up the systems, make the sale, and close the deal.   As much as my husband resents missing the precious moments I know he has no interest in potty training, becoming a personal chef, or teaching sleep techniques.  I’ve embraced motherhood for it’s good and challenging aspects.   Fatherhood is about embracing the idea that mom is there to tackle it all, feeling secure inthe knowledge that your children are being raised by the woman who loves them most in this world.  Cheer me on, don’t make me feel guilty that your missing out.

This is just a bad day in a sea of many good ones.  I should file this post under “venting”.

Call it charisma if you like, but whatever you call it if you want your child to succeed in this world understanding the importance of social intelligence and its direct impact on your child’s success in this complex world of business combined with what has been termed “social media”,  start building your child’s social intelligence from day one.   Traditionally IQ has been made the measure of professional success while serving to divide the ranks between varying degrees of  intelligent down to autistic tendencies.   But so what if you are “smart” if you can’t communicate the value of your intelligence?  Intelligence is not enough.  In today’s intricate web of both physical and electronic social interaction, our children need to understand the value of marketing oneself as a “connector” not an island of brain cells

Social intelligence is the application of what you know.  The path through institutional education our children are traditionally expected to follow in order to compete in job markets is quickly becoming a standard and not a defining edge on the competition.   A college education no longer has the instant appeal it once had in an interview as post graduate degrees are surfacing more regularly, making the mark of differentiation your social prowess/ life experience.

Key attributes of social intelligence might include a persons ability to connect to others, empathy, ability to influence, or listening skills.  The ability to make people interested in you and your self- presentation.  It’s like being in front of the class giving an oral presentation everyday.  How well can you engage an audience?  And not just initially but create allegiance.  With applications emerging all over the wed like Twitter, Facebook, Bebo, Myspace, hi5 and others it’s not just what you have to say but how you say it that wins followers.  This fickle world of friendships and mastery of social networking can be a very frightening place for a child growing up in the midst of it all,  particularly for those with parents who just don’t get it.  Give your child the advantage he/she needs to stay up on the social scene…. and as much as it may sound like it, I am NOT talking about a quest to make your child the most popular kid in school.  What I am telling you is to encourage well rounded growth- sports, chess, school newspaper, yearbook committee, student counsel, and any other activity that will serve to broaden your child’s knowledge/ experience base and make he/she more interesting to a wider group of people.  Raise a confident child, rich with life experience and the ability to communicate that experience to others and you can pat yourself on the back for being a good parent.

See link for wiki definition of social intelligence: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_intelligence

No one tells the truth about what becoming a mother encompasses on an emotional level and what it means for your sense of autonomy.  Without being fully aware of the steps taken, you walk a narrow path from freedom to parenthood, not fully comprehending the journey until you carry the bundle you’ve born out the revolving doors, all the while wondering when someone dressed in an official looking uniform will gently put their hand on your shoulder as you are about to leave the sterile confines of the hospital demanding to know “who gives you the right to care for this child”!  Armed with little more than flowers, gifts, adorable new clothes adorned by the fruit of your labor, and a bucket you exit the strange sanctuary of professional care heading straight for play-dates.

Exit the euphoria of pregnancy and the thrill of conception, enter worry, guilt, and the insanity that sets in after weeks of sleepless nights.   In the incubation months that follow birth an emotional roller coaster is unleashed partly influenced by the hormonal upheaval of post part-um blues, partly from spending too much time on the bed hugging your knees staring wide eyed at the sleeping child in the bassinet.  I clearly remember driving to my first appointment with a breastfeeding specialist cringing with even the slightest movement  from bruised, chapped, bleeding nipples 8 days after my daughter was born, peaking over my shoulder at the bundle tucked into the back seat thinking “I will never be alone again”.  The realization of that loss of freedom can derail even the most maternal women.  Coming to terms with the loss of privacy (like to pee) or the worn grooves in the kitchen floor where the cutting board sits on the counter  in no way diminish the unequivocal love you feel for this child.  Instead it makes you acutely aware of the awesome selfless responsibility you have chosen to bear in taking on the role of parent.

Before becoming a mother I was accountable for one person- me.  The choices I made and the mistakes I stumbled into were mine to make.  Whether they affected others or not there was something to be said for the luxury of believing in every man for himself.  The worry, guilt, anxiety, and responsibility of my decisions as a mother are far more consequential.  As you guide your children through the magic years from birth to adulthood, you no longer have the right to be selfish with your decision making, your time, or your emotional well being.  Your failures and successes become tied to your child’s progress.  Escape is impossible whether by absence or distance because the lines of heredity follow where ever you go.  As much as your life is enriched by parenthood, the dynamics of your existence are altered inexplicably with the simple words “it’s a boy/girl”.

The daily mindless tasks once performed with confidence send little vibrations of doubt coursing through your nervous system imagining all the things that could go wrong while you step into a much needed shower as your baby lies napping.  The struggle to guide and not control becomes an obsession of allowing your children freedom to discover, as you look on with clenched teeth praying for their safe passage.  Four chipped teeth and a fitting for a night guard later I’ve done my share of clenching!

I’m a strong believer in giving children a safe environment in which to explore this “new” earth albeit frighteningly so.  My circumstance is also that of “single mom” in an unconventional sense with my husband’s schedule often keeping him at work until the late hours of the evening.    Hence, if I aspire to keep our household running, my children need to be comfortable with independence.  My decision to be a stay at home mom with the support of my husband was a call to arms I had neglected to read the fine print on which must have read “not withstanding Prozac or other like drugs, this journey will transform you, energize you and embrace you with unconditional love while simultaneously stripping you of all preconceived notions about life as you knew it”.

But for all the patience you run out of and the sleep you would gladly kill a small furry animal for comes the most satisfying, glorious elation known to man.  The gift of a child  strengthens your spirit, expands your mind, redefines love, brightens your smile, and makes you whole.  I wouldn’t trade my lack of autonomy for anything.