No one tells the truth about what becoming a mother encompasses on an emotional level and what it means for your sense of autonomy. Without being fully aware of the steps taken, you walk a narrow path from freedom to parenthood, not fully comprehending the journey until you carry the bundle you’ve born out the revolving doors, all the while wondering when someone dressed in an official looking uniform will gently put their hand on your shoulder as you are about to leave the sterile confines of the hospital demanding to know “who gives you the right to care for this child”! Armed with little more than flowers, gifts, adorable new clothes adorned by the fruit of your labor, and a bucket you exit the strange sanctuary of professional care heading straight for play-dates.
Exit the euphoria of pregnancy and the thrill of conception, enter worry, guilt, and the insanity that sets in after weeks of sleepless nights. In the incubation months that follow birth an emotional roller coaster is unleashed partly influenced by the hormonal upheaval of post part-um blues, partly from spending too much time on the bed hugging your knees staring wide eyed at the sleeping child in the bassinet. I clearly remember driving to my first appointment with a breastfeeding specialist cringing with even the slightest movement from bruised, chapped, bleeding nipples 8 days after my daughter was born, peaking over my shoulder at the bundle tucked into the back seat thinking “I will never be alone again”. The realization of that loss of freedom can derail even the most maternal women. Coming to terms with the loss of privacy (like to pee) or the worn grooves in the kitchen floor where the cutting board sits on the counter in no way diminish the unequivocal love you feel for this child. Instead it makes you acutely aware of the awesome selfless responsibility you have chosen to bear in taking on the role of parent.
Before becoming a mother I was accountable for one person- me. The choices I made and the mistakes I stumbled into were mine to make. Whether they affected others or not there was something to be said for the luxury of believing in every man for himself. The worry, guilt, anxiety, and responsibility of my decisions as a mother are far more consequential. As you guide your children through the magic years from birth to adulthood, you no longer have the right to be selfish with your decision making, your time, or your emotional well being. Your failures and successes become tied to your child’s progress. Escape is impossible whether by absence or distance because the lines of heredity follow where ever you go. As much as your life is enriched by parenthood, the dynamics of your existence are altered inexplicably with the simple words “it’s a boy/girl”.
The daily mindless tasks once performed with confidence send little vibrations of doubt coursing through your nervous system imagining all the things that could go wrong while you step into a much needed shower as your baby lies napping. The struggle to guide and not control becomes an obsession of allowing your children freedom to discover, as you look on with clenched teeth praying for their safe passage. Four chipped teeth and a fitting for a night guard later I’ve done my share of clenching!
I’m a strong believer in giving children a safe environment in which to explore this “new” earth albeit frighteningly so. My circumstance is also that of “single mom” in an unconventional sense with my husband’s schedule often keeping him at work until the late hours of the evening. Hence, if I aspire to keep our household running, my children need to be comfortable with independence. My decision to be a stay at home mom with the support of my husband was a call to arms I had neglected to read the fine print on which must have read “not withstanding Prozac or other like drugs, this journey will transform you, energize you and embrace you with unconditional love while simultaneously stripping you of all preconceived notions about life as you knew it”.
But for all the patience you run out of and the sleep you would gladly kill a small furry animal for comes the most satisfying, glorious elation known to man. The gift of a child strengthens your spirit, expands your mind, redefines love, brightens your smile, and makes you whole. I wouldn’t trade my lack of autonomy for anything.
