The "Science" of Motherhood
‘Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.’We all have a little bit of crazy in us
I’ve been reading The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck over the last couple of months, sort of as a go to book when I have no fiction on hand (should I be embarrassed by this admission?). The book came highly recommended years ago by one of two mentors in my life, which frankly was enough to convince me it’s worth a read. And it is. It’s actually been akin to my bible recently, helping me through a rather difficult blip in my marriage.
The beauty of The Road Less Traveled is that Scott Peck takes the human condition- all our anxieties, obsessive compulsive disorders, and general vices- and gives the reader one of Oprah’s famous “A-Ha” moments. So what have I learnt? Bottom line- the mental health of a child is a direct product of parental love. As simple as this statement might sound, Mr. Peck is quick to point out there are a million and one ways in which parents can miss the mark.
The fact is I think I can safely assume that we all are plagued by some degree of mental illness which may or may not be devastating to our children in adulthood. If I spend too much time analyzing my role as a parent I’ll just end up a victim of paralysis by analysis.
So what’s the answer? I think I’ve figured it out. In all you do in your role as a parent focus on getting this one thing right and your children should be okay: teach the importance of keeping an open mind. By teaching open thoughts and contemplation you teach a person to value different points of view and basically give themselves permission to change their values and beliefs. If you can’t get anything else right, let openness be your only success. You’ll give your child the power to heal himself from any damage you may have unwittingly caused… 
No high fives for now….
My two year old son Jake had the misfortune of putting his hand on the still burning hot engine of the lawn mower my husband had just parked in the garage after two hours of use. His thumb and index finger were also burnt. The poor little guy was trying to get his ball out from under a stroller, using the mower as support. I was 10 steps away with my daughter on the driveway, and my husband had just turned away to put his work gloves on the shelf. I hate that “life” will happen to our children and we as parents may not always be able to cushion the blows, or protect them when they hurt. Jake is a real trooper though. He was in pain before the blister set in, but after that he went about his business, favoring his little hand, tucking it in safe against his belly. Children are the essence of what it means to be resilient.
The Harm in Harmony
I’m finding it difficult these last few days to find the right balance between my duties and desires. As a SAHM I’ve learnt over the past 3 years to put my needs aside for the benefit of my children and my husband. I’ve struggled at times with the isolation of being a SAHM, and the jabs to my confidence having to rely on my husband for financial support. The dual edge knife is knowing what I do at home is work. My efforts contribute to the livelyhood of our family as much as the money my husband earns to pay the mortgage and the everpresent bills- but ever so often something happens, whether it’s a conversation, a comment, or just a look that passes between my husband and I to make me feel dependent.
If I spend too much time turning the word dependent over and over in my mind the germ can grow to a full out disease contaminating my every thought, perception, and interaction. Which is why I need to talk my self out of the self pity and basically imagine the apology I think I deserve from my husband in order to let the feelings of resentment pass. This may sound odd, particularly to women who have the best of both worlds (freedom of flexibility and income), but it’s been an inner battle of mine since my daughter was born. I always knew I would stay home with my children for the first few years of their lives wanting to be the hands on mother I had growing up. It was and is very important for me to be there for my children when they struggle with life’s little challenges, afterall it’s the reason I wanted children. My husband and I have always been in agreement about the fundamentals of parenting and what type of foudnation we want to build our family on. The porblems start when ordinary demands of life gets in the way.
The most difficult part of being a SAHM is managing the needs and expectations of a husband who often feels left out of the cirlcle. I’m so blessed to experience the best and worst moments in my children’s lives and I never go a moment without being fully aware of it- so who can blame the father for feeling resentment towards missing those precious moments. But isn’t that the deal when you decide as a couple to approach parenting in this way. The opportunity cost I’ve accepted in return for being there for my kids 24 hours a day, and the awkwardness I will have to endure as I merge back into the workforce after a 3 year hiatus seems to be enough of a challenge without having to worry about my husbands hurt feelings. Why is it as women we often expose ourselves to being the answer to all family relations issues that arise.
I’m resentfull too sometimes. I’m not at liberty to leave my work at the office, nor can I put my phone on the do not disturb setting. I answer all calls, and take all messages. I set up the systems, make the sale, and close the deal. As much as my husband resents missing the precious moments I know he has no interest in potty training, becoming a personal chef, or teaching sleep techniques. I’ve embraced motherhood for it’s good and challenging aspects. Fatherhood is about embracing the idea that mom is there to tackle it all, feeling secure inthe knowledge that your children are being raised by the woman who loves them most in this world. Cheer me on, don’t make me feel guilty that your missing out.
This is just a bad day in a sea of many good ones. I should file this post under “venting”.
What no one tells you about being a mother…
No one tells the truth about what becoming a mother encompasses on an emotional level and what it means for your sense of autonomy. Without being fully aware of the steps taken, you walk a narrow path from freedom to parenthood, not fully comprehending the journey until you carry the bundle you’ve born out the revolving doors, all the while wondering when someone dressed in an official looking uniform will gently put their hand on your shoulder as you are about to leave the sterile confines of the hospital demanding to know “who gives you the right to care for this child”! Armed with little more than flowers, gifts, adorable new clothes adorned by the fruit of your labor, and a bucket you exit the strange sanctuary of professional care heading straight for play-dates.
Exit the euphoria of pregnancy and the thrill of conception, enter worry, guilt, and the insanity that sets in after weeks of sleepless nights. In the incubation months that follow birth an emotional roller coaster is unleashed partly influenced by the hormonal upheaval of post part-um blues, partly from spending too much time on the bed hugging your knees staring wide eyed at the sleeping child in the bassinet. I clearly remember driving to my first appointment with a breastfeeding specialist cringing with even the slightest movement from bruised, chapped, bleeding nipples 8 days after my daughter was born, peaking over my shoulder at the bundle tucked into the back seat thinking “I will never be alone again”. The realization of that loss of freedom can derail even the most maternal women. Coming to terms with the loss of privacy (like to pee) or the worn grooves in the kitchen floor where the cutting board sits on the counter in no way diminish the unequivocal love you feel for this child. Instead it makes you acutely aware of the awesome selfless responsibility you have chosen to bear in taking on the role of parent.
Before becoming a mother I was accountable for one person- me. The choices I made and the mistakes I stumbled into were mine to make. Whether they affected others or not there was something to be said for the luxury of believing in every man for himself. The worry, guilt, anxiety, and responsibility of my decisions as a mother are far more consequential. As you guide your children through the magic years from birth to adulthood, you no longer have the right to be selfish with your decision making, your time, or your emotional well being. Your failures and successes become tied to your child’s progress. Escape is impossible whether by absence or distance because the lines of heredity follow where ever you go. As much as your life is enriched by parenthood, the dynamics of your existence are altered inexplicably with the simple words “it’s a boy/girl”.
The daily mindless tasks once performed with confidence send little vibrations of doubt coursing through your nervous system imagining all the things that could go wrong while you step into a much needed shower as your baby lies napping. The struggle to guide and not control becomes an obsession of allowing your children freedom to discover, as you look on with clenched teeth praying for their safe passage. Four chipped teeth and a fitting for a night guard later I’ve done my share of clenching!
I’m a strong believer in giving children a safe environment in which to explore this “new” earth albeit frighteningly so. My circumstance is also that of “single mom” in an unconventional sense with my husband’s schedule often keeping him at work until the late hours of the evening. Hence, if I aspire to keep our household running, my children need to be comfortable with independence. My decision to be a stay at home mom with the support of my husband was a call to arms I had neglected to read the fine print on which must have read “not withstanding Prozac or other like drugs, this journey will transform you, energize you and embrace you with unconditional love while simultaneously stripping you of all preconceived notions about life as you knew it”.
But for all the patience you run out of and the sleep you would gladly kill a small furry animal for comes the most satisfying, glorious elation known to man. The gift of a child strengthens your spirit, expands your mind, redefines love, brightens your smile, and makes you whole. I wouldn’t trade my lack of autonomy for anything.
Your Toddlers Birthday
Birthday parties have become a hot topic among my fellow moms and I as our babies graduate to toddlerhood and preschool age. For the first two years the decision was fairly simple -keep it small and intimate. Everything I’ve read about celebrating a child’s first birthday stresses the importance of not overwhelming a child, making sure the celebration is organized with the child’s best interest in mind, not the parents. But then your babies grow up.
When my daughter and the children we surround ourselves with at play-dates and the like reached their third birthdays, the anti had been upped. Limiting birthday party to family just didn’t seem like a reasonable expectation. In the past several months my daughter celebrated her 3rd birthday, and we’ve been likewise invited to celebrate 3rd and 4th birthdays within her group of friends. Each celebration was unique to the child, and quite successful in the end.
There a few key elements to organize yourself around when planning a successful birthday party whether you are aiming for low key or extravagant:
- Chose a theme (hopefully something familiar to all the kids)
- Make sure you have a planned activity or central event
- Always have the choice of healthy food mixed in among the chips and offer at least one meal
- Loot bags are a sure hit. Try offering them to the kids while the birthday boy/girl is opening gifts (keeps the other kids from getting too bored). One great loot bag idea is a toothbrush- cheap and the kids love it.
- Keep the party to a 3 hour maximum
- Advise parents in advance whether the party is drop off or not
- Have your child thank his/her guests at the door as they depart to reinforce appreciation.
If you’re looking for party ideas continue reading to see 3 very different birthday platforms and how each was molded to the child’s comfort zone and personality. Each platform was a success from both the child and the parent point of view.
1- My daughter’s 3rd birthday
My daughter can be described as shy, somewhat introverted/ independent, and very visual in terms of stimulation. She was just starting to take an interest in Sesame street at the time so I thought it would be best to go with a theme she could relate to.
Given my daughter’s personality and being that this was her first “real” birthday party I wanted to ease her into the social expectations associated with hosting a birthday party. This basically meant parents stayed for the duration so that my husband and I could remain more available to her, and we held the party at our home to make her feel secure in a familiar, safe environment.
With a little bit of internet research I found a local puppeteer whose performance was based on the Semsame Street Platform. For $250 he showed up at our home a half hour before he was due to put the show on, he set up his stage and accessories, performed a light show complete with dry ice to get the kids’ attention, performed a 30 minute skit with all the characters from Semsame street, and followed it up with face painting and a bubble machine. The grand finale was a full blown Elmo suit which we asked him to put only after the puppet show and the kids were familiar with the character to avoid scaring any of them. I was actually following Elmo down the hall as I made my entrance with Devan’s Elmo themed birthday cake. The buffet dinner was served at 5pm right after the puppet show and presents were opened 30 minutes later. Each child was given their loot bag to keep busy while the guest of honor was basking in her glow. The party was a hit with everyone, especially Devan.
2- Dylan’s 4th birthday
Dylan is an adorable little boy, often surrounded by family and easily socialized. His parents have a wide network of friends with children Dylan’s age, so they needed a venue that can accommodate a large group.
Dylan’s parents decided to host his party at a bowling alley complete with a hot dog dinner for the kids only due to the number of guests invited. This was Dylan’s second big birthday party held at a “public” venue, ideal for a child who has a lot of extended family and family friends. The actual bowling was a lot of fun because both the parents and the kids were playing together on teams. There were launch rails set up for the kids on about 10 reserved lanes. The teams were made up in advance and the party table was set up right behind the reserved lanes. All the parents were invited to stay with the kids for the duration of the party as well. The theme of the party was superheros and everyone was invited to come dresses as their favorite super hero or princess.
3- Henry’s 4th birthday party
Henry hosted the first drop off party in our little group of friends. Henry’s parents decided it was the best scenario for their son who is also a little on the shy side and often overwhelmed in the company of too many unfamiliar faces. The party was held in Henry’s home, drop off at 10am and pick up at noon. Lunch was served at 11:30 , although healthy snacks were scattered throughout the house for the duration. The party centered around painting and setting off sculpted volcanoes that Henry’s parents spent the evening before making. The kids loved it, but best of all Henry was excited and comfortable among his friends celebrating his 4th birthday.
Sci-Am Seperates Science from Fiction on Beautiful Skin
Check out a recent feature called The Science of Beauty on one of my favorite sites Scientific American.
The blurb reads: “Just in time for Mother’s Day: From Mother Nature’s timeless skin remedies to the latest findings in anti-aging research, science helps to explain how treatments work and whether they’re safe”.
The slide show ’The Science behind 10 Natural Skin Remedies’ was great (particularly since wrinkles are invading my face at an alarming rate since the birth of my children). This one is worth your prescious “me” time.
http://www.scientificamerican.com/report.cfm?id=science-of-beauty
